i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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