I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
