i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have fence marks all over my body
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
