My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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