He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
