I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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