he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
