I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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