If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
