I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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