Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
