I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
