she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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