i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
