Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
