Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you inspire me to be a worse person
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
