Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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