she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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