1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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