remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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