The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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