I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize