I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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