i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize