I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
