The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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