I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Still dying that you shit outside
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
