It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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