She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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