Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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