I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
