i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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