Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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