I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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