well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
