Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
