i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
