Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
