Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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