if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
You're my little dorito
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize