btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
