She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize