Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize