you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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