I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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