Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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