I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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