When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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