It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
