sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
