I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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