i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
