The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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