just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
